From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
