What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
