hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
