just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
