apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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