Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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