Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
