Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
