first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
