I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
