bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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