We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
