Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
