I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
