I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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