Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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