He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize
