Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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