this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
