You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
