Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
