I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
