We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
