I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
