I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
