I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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