I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
