You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
