oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
