The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
