Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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