Already got asked if we're dating
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
