My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
