my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
