I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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