Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
