Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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