I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
