Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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