I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
