did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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