does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
