I didn't shave. On purpose
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
