ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
