I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She made me pour olive oil on her.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
