Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
