remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
