she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I miss vodka workout Fridays
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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