dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
