I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
