i already hear my dad disowning me
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
